Your Secret Fear

Now that I started down that path, I'm delving into the dark side again.

I want (or need?) to know: What is your secret fear?

Here is my deep dark confession.

For a long time, my secret fear used to be talking to people, both in person and on the phone, because I am an introvert, dammit. I've tested out as an ISFJ, as are (supposedly) Louisa May Alcott, Queen Elizabeth II, and Robin Roberts of GMA (Robin's an introvert? I wouldn't have guessed.) We are the opposite of the ENTP C-E-O types.

The in-person issue I got over after taking an "Effective Presentations" course at my life insurance office, and then teaching Lotus 1-2-3 to fellow employees. The on-the-phone-issue...after I survived frequent discussions with the most "difficult" customer in the world, Ms. Lillian Warner, age 80+, a former lawyer who lived in Burbank, CA... well, if you could survive a phone call with her, you could survive pretty much anything.

Except for the man in Florida who threatened to fly in with a gun but I referred him to my boss, the V-P. Yeah, I called the boss on his cell and interrupted his lunch to tell him he needed to come back to talk to this guy. Chain of command, right? I could deal with Ms. Warner's verbal abuse, but guns??? Another story and far beyond my job description. And KJVK, if you happen to read this, thank you for calming that guy down. You always were the best boss.

So I got over that fear, which may or may not have been life threatening. Outside of every mother's fear over losing her children, I was a somewhat possibly reasonably happy camper for many years until my nighttime panic attack 2 months ago. That night I lay awake, completely agitated, twitching, crazy, and having nightmares about remembering the phone calls from the nurses the nights before my aunt, and subsequently, my mother died. The same scenario in either case: "She's been really agitated. The doctor prescribed morphine." And the next morning... they were gone. I hope peacefully.

Agitated. I am now agitated over dying. What does it feel like? What happens? How awful is it? That you need morphine? The agitation I felt that one night was so bad, I can't even imagine how my poor mother and aunt felt. How bad did it get for them? It has consumed me for many nights as I have rolled around in my peri-menopausal sleepless sweats. It has been so much worse than any other fear I have had before. I am thankful I found the Estroven PM which is stopping the sweats and helping me stay asleep more easily each night and consequently I am not thinking about it as much. The only thing worse thing I could feel would be having my husband or children die before me.

So that's my lovely [sarcastic] nighttime experiences. And why I look so tired every morning.

So tell me, my dearest friends, what is your deepest, darkest fear? I've told you my worst. What is yours? Airplanes? Carnies? Clowns? Spiders? Nothing is insignificant. Here is your chance to tell all, anonymously if need be. Let it out....maybe talking about it will help.