Sunday, October 05, 2008

Your Secret Fear

Now that I started down that path, I'm delving into the dark side again.

I want (or need?) to know: What is your secret fear?

Here is my deep dark confession.

For a long time, my secret fear used to be talking to people, both in person and on the phone, because I am an introvert, dammit. I've tested out as an ISFJ, as are (supposedly) Louisa May Alcott, Queen Elizabeth II, and Robin Roberts of GMA (Robin's an introvert? I wouldn't have guessed.) We are the opposite of the ENTP C-E-O types.

The in-person issue I got over after taking an "Effective Presentations" course at my life insurance office, and then teaching Lotus 1-2-3 to fellow employees. The on-the-phone-issue...after I survived frequent discussions with the most "difficult" customer in the world, Ms. Lillian Warner, age 80+, a former lawyer who lived in Burbank, CA... well, if you could survive a phone call with her, you could survive pretty much anything.

Except for the man in Florida who threatened to fly in with a gun but I referred him to my boss, the V-P. Yeah, I called the boss on his cell and interrupted his lunch to tell him he needed to come back to talk to this guy. Chain of command, right? I could deal with Ms. Warner's verbal abuse, but guns??? Another story and far beyond my job description. And KJVK, if you happen to read this, thank you for calming that guy down. You always were the best boss.

So I got over that fear, which may or may not have been life threatening. Outside of every mother's fear over losing her children, I was a somewhat possibly reasonably happy camper for many years until my nighttime panic attack 2 months ago. That night I lay awake, completely agitated, twitching, crazy, and having nightmares about remembering the phone calls from the nurses the nights before my aunt, and subsequently, my mother died. The same scenario in either case: "She's been really agitated. The doctor prescribed morphine." And the next morning... they were gone. I hope peacefully.

Agitated. I am now agitated over dying. What does it feel like? What happens? How awful is it? That you need morphine? The agitation I felt that one night was so bad, I can't even imagine how my poor mother and aunt felt. How bad did it get for them? It has consumed me for many nights as I have rolled around in my peri-menopausal sleepless sweats. It has been so much worse than any other fear I have had before. I am thankful I found the Estroven PM which is stopping the sweats and helping me stay asleep more easily each night and consequently I am not thinking about it as much. The only thing worse thing I could feel would be having my husband or children die before me.

So that's my lovely [sarcastic] nighttime experiences. And why I look so tired every morning.

So tell me, my dearest friends, what is your deepest, darkest fear? I've told you my worst. What is yours? Airplanes? Carnies? Clowns? Spiders? Nothing is insignificant. Here is your chance to tell all, anonymously if need be. Let it out....maybe talking about it will help.

9 comments:

Nora Bee said...

An intense question. Snakes, something happening to my child, divorce. But maybe those aren't so secret. Me, an introvert as well.

I really don't like being alone in a dark house.

lianaleslie said...

There's mental illness in my family on my dad's side, so my biggest fear is that I'll end up like my grandmother and great-grandmother, borderline, convinced the FBI's watching me and so on. I have some personality traits that are much like my grandmother's, and we found some pictures of her when she was young that could have been of my twin. I don't think that dwelling on the possibility of ending up like her is helpful, but I do put a priority on my mental health and understanding my mind and behaviors.

Anyways, I guess if you ever see a tin-foil hat paperdoll you'll know what's going on :)

Bunny Bunster said...

Like any parent, the death of my child ranks right up there with my biggest fear.
The death of my Husband also ranks high.
Spiders, while I don't like them, don't rate anything compared to the fear I have of loosing loved ones.
That, and public speaking. I'd rather have all of my teeth pulled than to have to speak before a large crowd.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

Don't even want to put it in words. Too dark and inky and scary.

But I understand the fear and agitation.

You're not alone in that.

jenontheedge said...

Driving the car off the road and into a large body of water and not being able to save myself or my children from drowning.

Pretty specific, I know, but I can't tell you how many nightmares I've had about that and how much my stomach flips whenever I drive near water.

Vanessa said...

My biggest fear is not being loved/lovable. As a child it was never an unconditional thing and it was actually pretty easy to piss off Mom or Dad where they would say "I don't love you anymore!".

dkuroiwa said...

Ooh...that's a very large door you are about to open...so many things inside...from dying (in a terrible, sudden way)...to losing a loved one...to small creepy, crawly things.
To combat a fear of public speaking and being pretty shy (uh-huh, I really am!)and having very little true self-confidence, I have had to work very hard to be energetic and out-going and confident. A therapist would have a hey-day with me!!

Minnesota Matron said...

Death. It's probably our age, life, half over.

Louise said...

I'm terrified of flying, but once I get on the plane, I'm usually better. I always think I'm going to take something for it, but then I don't. If it gets really bumpy, I get worse, but then it's over.

My totally irrational fear is of worms and things slimy. I don't love holding snakes, but I'm not afraid of it. I WILL NOT hold a worm, or touch a slug or anything other creature that is slimy. Slimy plants (like algae in a pond), I can tolerate, but animal life? I'm cringing as I type.